Food Babies

There has been three incidents - count them, three - where people have mistaken me for being pregnant, usually after I had just eaten. The first time I was working at my old job and the delivery man flat out asked me if I was pregnant. I said no and he went on to explain how amazing fatherhood is and how happy it makes him. The worst part about that experience was that I had just lost 9lbs so I can only imagine what he would've said if I were heavier. "Oh my God, it must be twins!!"

The second time Hubby and I were on our honeymoon. We had just partaken in our hotel's Happy Hour where I had consumed a very large and hearty piece of cheesecake. Have I mentioned I can't pass up sweets? Afterward, we went shopping in the marketplace of Oahu and was in the process of buying a not-so-cheap chain for my pendant. We were in the middle of the sale and Shelley, our salesperson, asked, "So, when are you due?" "Excuse me?" I inquired. "Are you expecting?" she asked again, motioning to my stomach as to emphasize her question. "Um, no," I replied, "I'm just fat." Yeah, Shelley, how does your foot taste?

The third and most recent incident occurred while on a cruise with my family during Christmas vacation of last year. I was alone in my cabin getting ready for dinner when our cabin boy stopped by to drop off some BINGO cards. I don't remember how it came up, but almost immediately into the visit he asked me how far along I was. I asked him to repeat his question, because I couldn't believe this was happening to me yet again, and when I told him that I wasn't along at all he responded with, "Really? Wow. I'm surprised." Oh, are you, Jacob? Surprised, eh? You'll be even more surprised once I kick you in the teeth! That time I hadn't even eaten!

So, the moral of the story is, unless you're absolutely, positively, 100% sure that a woman is pregnant, DON'T ASK! And even then, I still suggest you let her bring it up in conversation. Learn from my experiences people!

UPDATE: I just remembered that there were FOUR incidents when I was mistaken for being pregnant. I was at a baby shower and I was talking to another guest about the mother-to-be and she motioned to my stomach and said something along the lines of, "oh, I see you're pregnant, too." No, lady, I'm not, but thanks for making me feel like a whale.